My hair is PINK

And I really want to die because I literally killed my pretty much non existing possibly to pass and I wouldn’t be able to dye it in a long time because it’s a very dark pink.

I just wanted red hair.

On the other hand my mom is happy cause now I look more feminine, but I still am very sad.

Ok, I thought (Update)

It will be a nice idea to record my laptop screen while drawing, I thought it will be cool to upload a video of me doodling but guess what? IT DIDN’T WORK. And I checked like million times to see if everything is alright and it was.

So I guess next time?

I would also dye my hair red soon because I don’t want people at my school to completely lose their mind over my blue-ish-purple-ish hair, it’s already short and I will get enough attention for that. (THERE ARE PICTURES AT THE END OF THE POST I feel like I’m completely putting myself out there by doing that but I think my hair looks nice plus I need to stop being such a coward)

Actually transitioning socially ! this is scary thou. I’ve got this voice in my head tellin me to stop and that I will regret it, I’m constantly scared about regret.

That’s it I guess, just thought I’d update the blog cause I wasn’t active lately.
I also wrote like a song thingy and I really think about uploading it as my last poem got a great respond.
Hell, I have a folder full of songs on my computer I’m just petrified by the idea of putting them into the world.
Also school is starting again soon and it’s really freaking me out.

Anyway, have a nice week everyone !

my hair currently, also yes I am wearing a pink shirt in the right picture
it does not make me any less of a man.

A poem

This very wacky poem (I guess it’s a poem?) was written few days before I got my first haircut, I was at a very low point and very fearful. Few days later I went and got my hair cut without telling my parents, it didn’t go so well. I feel like it reflects my fear as a transgender and the lack of space I have to myself at home, I didn’t edit it much, I’d like to leave it the way it was written that day.

  – No Room
I spent the last few weeks, trying to figure out why I’m so weak.
I spent all my damn time on anger and agony, I don’t know why.

You say I’m empty and all I could think about is teenage problems, stuck at 16 forever, someone please cure my fever.

Crying is not an option now, I have no corner to myself I must not cry.
But I keep and try, and a glance at the mirror is breaking me down.

I said that agony won’t be the only voice I carry on, guess what, I lied again.
The lies of the part are hunting me down, it sure doesn’t helps to stay in control.

I never thought I’d fall this low again, now I write stupid songs and think no one would understand.

Crying is not an option now, I have no corner to myself I must not cry.
But I keep and try, and a glance at the mirror is breaking me down.

I said that I’d try harder but harder at the time just wasn’t enough.
When will I find my place without feeling worse?

Stagnant and cold as frozen nights, the rain it could never overcome my tears.
I fear all these changes, but I cannot stay in place.

Crying is not an option now, I have no corner to myself I must not cry.
But I keep and try, and a glance at the mirror is breaking me down.

Is there anything left to break? What you see is just piece of cake.

You say I’m empty and sometimes I just couldn’t agree more, stuck at 16 forever, help me lift this curse.

Of course I’d blame it

Crying is not an option now, I have no corner to myself I must not cry. But I keep and try, and a glance at the mirror is breaking me down.

A man.

The main reason I would have liked to be born as a male is so I could express my femininity. I don’t mind being called gay or fag, I just want to paint my nails and grow out my hair and people to still respect my gender identity.

It sucks that I had to cut my hair just to feel better about myself.

I’m a loser

I am a loser. I am not good at anything. People get up after life have beat them down, well I sure I never even got off the ground. I don’t sing good, I can’t play the guitar, I’m not funny, I’m awkward. I’m not realistic. I am a useless awkward human being. I spend my days crying, so sunk in self pity. I swear I’ve been a loser all my goddamn life. I’m shy when I don’t need to be, and loud when I should shut up. I think I’m a boring friend, I have a terrible taste in music, I have hard time being my true self, and I’m not sure if it’s because of my gender issues or just because I am stupid.

I am lazy, I am not hard working enough, I waste time, I am no good. I put my value so much lower then other people value, just because I simply believe I don’t worth it.
I’m letting everyone down, I want to die because I waste space. I waste everything, I am a waste.

I wish I could be better.