Sadness

Ok so after yesterday’s very negative post, lemme tell ya about the costume I wore on our Halloween like holiday.
I was Sadness from Inside Out and it was one of the best costumes I’ve ever worn. Although it was pretty rad I don’t consider it as a cosplay cause it wasn’t really good enough. I won’t post any pictures though cause I’m afraid people from my school will find this blog and would recognize me, so sorry about that.
After that I changed my clothes and went out with friends and it was extremely fun.
It was nice to have a good day after a while.
I will cut my hair, it’s just a matter of how and when, because of my parents.
My mother confronted me about the fact I stopped wearing bras and asked it I flatten my chest on purpose, obviously I didn’t tell her I do but I’m pretty sure she knows I do.
I think about telling my parents that I’m trans, I think it will make things much easier for me but we aren’t close at all so I’m afraid. Plus I’m still scared that I am not trans and this whole thing is just a phase, I’m pretty sure it isn’t but the doubt still freaks me out.

I’m a loser

I am a loser. I am not good at anything. People get up after life have beat them down, well I sure I never even got off the ground. I don’t sing good, I can’t play the guitar, I’m not funny, I’m awkward. I’m not realistic. I am a useless awkward human being. I spend my days crying, so sunk in self pity. I swear I’ve been a loser all my goddamn life. I’m shy when I don’t need to be and loud when I should shut up. I think I’m a boring friend, I have a terrible taste in music, I have hard time being my true self, and I’m not sure if it’s because of my gender issues or just because I am stupid.

I am lazy, I am not hard working enough, I waste time, I do no good. I put my value so much lower then other people value, just because I simply believe am not worth it.
I’m letting everyone down, I want to die because I waste space. I waste everything, I am a waste.

I wish I could be better.

Look alive

Alright so, as usual, my life is a rollercoaster.

Home is shit, school is shit, but lemme tell ya- it’s ok.

It’s probably just a one moment euphoria and I would probably want to die in a minute, cause shit got real and I became seriously suicidal lately, which is, obviously, is not good.
So few updates-
If you follow my blog (which I doubt you do) you probably know I got this paper stating I can go to a Neurologist, you also probably know it was a mess to get it and it’s not really the paper I wanted, but anyway, I will not go to the Neurologist. It’s just too much and I don’t want to get in trouble if my parents find out. I’m also incapable of buying myself any medicine if he’ll tell me I need some (I’m minor and they are thats expensive), and even if I will, I’m not sure I’ll use them correctly because as mentioned before, I am very suicidal sometimes and I don’t know what I am capable of doing to myself in these moments.As

As usual gender is all over the place but I’m pretty sure I’m trans, still struggling to decide if I want to cut or leave it shoulder length as it is now. I think about transitioning most of the day, mainly because I can’t see myself as a female in the future.
You see, since I was a young girl, I never saw myself doing things, I always made future plans but could never see myself actually fulfilling them, as a result I pretty much lived in denial about everything. Every year since 7th grade felt like a dream, and I don’t know if it has something to do with gender but I always felt something missing. But now, I can see myself in the future, but as a male. Is this weird? maybe.

I remember this post? well the trip was delayed to last Wednesday and I did go.
Can I tell you how great it was? it was amazing. It was barely mentioned that it is a specific day for women, and I felt pretty confident. We were put into groups and when our gendered was mentioned it felt for me like they were talking about the other girls and not me. I actually had a slip up and I said something about myself in male pronounce to my friend, oops?

Other then that, we have a Halloween-like holiday this weekend, I don’t really think I’ll dress up.
It’s funny cause it’s been only a year since the last one but so much has changed.
Stay safe.

Can’t find my way home

So yesterday I went to the doctor, to ask for an appointment with a free psychologist.
I did it behind my parents back, because they didn’t want me to get one, it was a mess.
The doctor couldn’t understand what I was talking about, I mentioned I think I have depression and anxieties, it took me a lot of courage to say I have gender issues, but she was focusing on the anxieties. Let me tell you, my anxieties and panic attacks happen mainly because of my family, so to be honest, it’s the least important issue. She didn’t mention gender issues, and it was frustrating  because I had to put so much of myself just to say I have a problem with that and then she just ignored it. I don’t know, maybe she didn’t know what I meant and what gender issues are, either way, I haven’t talked about it the rest of the meeting although it was probably one of the main reasons I came to her.

I was informed that I can’t get a psychologist without my parents permission, this wasn’t the answer I was expecting. Moreover, they could later on see that I visited the doctor and the exact date. So basically if they decide to ask when was the last time I went to the doctor- I’m doomed. She gave me a paper that I could get an appointment with the neurologist. My parents, if they will, could also see this paper.
I’ll get the appointment because I got nothing to lose, but I don’t think it will help me because I don’t need medicine, at least not now, I need to talk to a professional on a regular basis.

In the middle of the appointment with the doctor my mom called, I had to make up an excuse, she believed me but was extremely mad, as always. My “home” is such an unpleasant place to live in. I’m torn between thinking my parents are abusive to thinking I’m just exaggerating. My friends say I’m not, and I the thought that I might be right keeps me sane.

So yesterday was a mess, a fail, I got nothing but being yelled at.
The one time I decided to not give a shit about what my parents say and do something for myself, because I know I need it- I get nothing out of it.
I am losing my hope, my “home” is just a house and I can’t keep living there.
I need a home, so badly, I just really can’t handle things for much longer.

Picking a new name

So, when I first started using male pronounces with some of my friends, it was within a game. We called it “the gender game”, basically we switched genders- I, with two of my cis female friends became he and a cis boy that was playing with us became them.
We also got new names, and the name I was given withing the game was Ron. I loved it, simply because it fits me so well and I feel super confident with it.
So you’d think “ok what is the problem then?”
The problem is that I want to be Frank.
I love the name Frank, I always did, but it’s not a common name where I live so it’ll be awkward to use it. I’ll be “the trans kid that think he lives in America”
Plus Frank is a very masculine name and I don’t feel “manly” enough to call myself Frank, well, to be honest, I don’t feel that much of a Frank at all.
Ron fits me perfectly, it’s not too masculine so I am alright with using it even right now, when I didn’t even start my transition.
I thought maybe put the two together, Ron Frank, R.F., it just doest sound right, Frank Ron is not any better. I guess I’ll have to just go with one of them and who knows, maybe I’ll even pick something entirely different.

As for now I’m neither Ron or Frank, I’m still birthname, I’m not ready yet to ask people outside of the “gender game” to use only male pronounce with me, but the question about what my name will be is still in my head.

A stranger to those who knew me the best.

Why I wasn’t active & a little more

Ok it’s a super short update, I am so sorry for being inactive, school is all over the place and I have so many exams going on..

I really want to keep updating daily but it’s kinda hard, didn’t had much time to finish the doodle I started either.. On the other side- things are getting better.

I think I am transgender. I’m back to talking in male pronouns with some of my friends and it feels great. It’s been a confusing year, and looking back, being transgender makes so much sense. I want to write a post about it, I will, I promise.

I will get an appointment to my family doctor, hopefully for this Sunday so I could get a paper to get an appointment with the psychologist. I am going to do all of this behind my parents beck, I really hope they won’t find out. I also got a date for my information collecting meeting with the army staff so I really have to hurry up with all of that cause I would want to show them all the papers suggesting to release me from having to serve there.

Things are getting better, I slowly rise to my feet and hopefully one day this earth will never know my knees.